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Thu, Sep. 10th, 2009, 10:51 pm
Courage.
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
Maybe this will be for the best. I can do this.
Sun, Aug. 2nd, 2009, 02:30 pm
Updated?
It's been so long since I have last updated. I am now married and it sure has its ups and downs.
Someday I wake up so happy to know that if I look over there is someone there, others we fight, argue, the works.
But that's the price you pay in any relationship whether it's marriage, dating, etc.
So I guess if anyone asks (which every single person does and it never seems to get old), "Hey how's married life?"
I just reply, "It's the same as dating." Except forever. and ever. Well I mean not technically.
But I always promised myself that if I ever got married it would be for good. I hate divorces and what not.
Overall I'm happy. I loved my wedding, I think it was beyond my expectations. I hate the debt. Somedays I wake up and I'm all like ahhh I love my life. Others I wake up and I'm like why in the world did I have a wedding. We're so broke I think a homeless person has it better.
But it's okay I just have to keep telling myself, "we got this, we'll make it through." It works 85% of the time hah.
I've lost a lot of good friends well they weren't really that great I guess haha, made a few new ones, but mostly same old.
Anyway, looking to move to Vero to these super cute townhouses that I am in love with.
Hope it works out.. Probably be the next time I update this thing.
Wed, May. 13th, 2009, 07:50 pm
hmph.
I don't know where to begin as far as how things have been.
The past few weeks have shown me how strong I really am and how much I honestly do put up with. Getting married is the biggest step I will have ever taken in my life. Although not everyone supports it, I look at it differently. It's an experience that whether it turns out for the worst or best, I will have learned from it and that's what life is all about.
I'm so sick of negativity and people pushing me down and that's all changing now.
I've dealt with so many mixed feelings lately that for a while I didn't think I would be able to accomplish anything but I know I can and I will.
I've been a bad friend to some, and a good friend to others. I've lost a few and gained even more.
The only thing I truly want is to leave this town, forever. Leave my past and my memories and everyone behind. I want to get away with my soon to be husband and take a breath of fresh air because maybe then things won't bother or hurt me so much. Maybe if I leave I can become a new person that won't be dragged down by my past. Maybe I'll learn to let things and certain people go.
I can only hope because hope and faith is all that's driving me right now.
The future is all that I have to look forward to and I'm welcoming it with open arms :)
So sometimes I don't know if I'm doing things right.
I think I know what I want but when I get it I always back away, how am I ever supposed to make things work?
I always feel torn between things whether it's family, friends, material things, etc.
I just really wish I could have things go smoothly for a week, a month?
I need someone that wants a clean slate, a fresh start.
Then again, I'm not always sure.
My emotions are so jumbled, and I'm sick of holding all my doubt in.
Sat, Feb. 21st, 2009, 04:37 pm
Final Battle.
I will conquer.Just have faith.
Mon, Dec. 8th, 2008, 01:47 am
Commence.
Night devours my every phantasm, thinking of you, your burning eyes victimize my every intention of good.
As I lay I wonder if you would do the equivalent upon yourself.
Recollect the day in which your touch enthralled me, fascinating every theory I had of you.
Let's continue this endless venture.
______________________________________
I think sometimes I'm really weak. I want to do so many things, but I don't push myself hard enough, nor do I let others. I need to. There's a lot I must accomplish within the next few months. I don't think there will ever be anyone who is strong enough to push me, and that scares me...
<3
I gotta feel you in my bones again,
I wanna taste you one more time again,
In my daydreams, in my sleep,
Infatuation turning into disease.
That's exactly how I felt.
I didn't know what to do. I mean come on, I thought that was all over with.
How completely ridiculous Isn't it?
It's alright, I have everything I have ever wanted and I guess I'll never know ;]
Wed, Oct. 8th, 2008, 06:40 pm
Listen Deep.
Put words in my mouth, let us frustrate ourselves.
If contradicting ourselves isn't enough, let me grasp it.
I'll pretend we moved on, from what perplexity we might have, it's all worth it.
Judging from this cycle, constant, infinite.
I'm searching in your eyes for any truth left behind.
Please seize this moment.
Desperate actions from self taught words, is it worth all the disputations in which captivates our souls, smoldering any infatuation caved in our hearts?
Gratify my lust so I can escape your transfixed lies.
I am mesmerized.
Let me constrict your touch for which I yearn.
Let me fall apart.
I can finally see myself.
In all aspects, I've become different.
I'm learning, and teaching.
Sometimes, I find myself caught up in the past though.
That's when I remember to take a deep breath and look forward to the future ahead.
I need to focus.
Please focus.
I must not let my emotions get the best of me.
There's so many things to look forward to. College, my life with the only person I could ever picture myself with, in general just the future.
I worry about my mother though. What is she to do?
How can I reassure her that everything will be okay?
I feel so guilty for leaving her behind. I wish I could take her along this journey with me, by my side.
One thing is for sure though, Heaven's not a place that you go when you die, It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive.
And I have never felt so alive.
Wed, May. 7th, 2008, 12:34 am
Wtf
I am so fucking frustrated.
I hate night time.
I hate this.
Tue, Apr. 22nd, 2008, 03:28 am
Not sure.
Yesterday I felt so different.
I was in the car... and I felt so free and out there.
Everything just seemed so perfect.
It was like a weird high.
I hate existing into the night like this.
Its so completely lonely.
I am not sure what exactly is happening to me, I honestly do not like it either.
I want to feel happy and content with myself again.
At all times.
I dont want this anymore.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Am I going crazy?
Fri, Mar. 28th, 2008, 10:55 pm
Update.
Things have changed dramatically for me.
I have grown as a person.
I've discovered things about myself that I never understood before.
I can't exactly say that my life is perfect because it is far from, but I can say that I'm happy.
I have everything I need.
I have friends I can go to.
I have the air in my lungs.
I have love in my heart.
It sounds so cliché but it's only the truth.
I still have struggles I have to deal with but I'm living and learning.
I want to experience so much, I sometimes feel like life isn't long enough.
-I'm afraid to live and not remember why.
Today has been so weird.
I sware I feel like I'm not even here.
Tyler is out of town and it feels odd not to have him here but I don't think it's hit me yet that he's really not here.
It's just hard to explain how I feel right now.
I just want to get out of this town and hopefully soon.
I can't wait until I graduate and move on with my life.
I'm so scared of the future and what it holds.
__________
This is not what I intended,
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart.
You always thought that I was stronger,
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start.
Thu, Dec. 20th, 2007, 10:10 pm
If.
Have you ever wondered what if?
What if I had been a better friend?
What if I had been a better daughter?
What if he leaves me?
What if I die tomorrow.
I'm so sick of asking myself the same things over and over.
Someone please just reach out and be my friend.
A REAL friend.
I need a best friend.
Soon.
Before It's too late.
Tue, Dec. 4th, 2007, 02:46 pm
Bleh Bleh Bleh
I've just been hanging out lately.
Not much has really happened.
My dad wants to come visit this month and I still haven't told my mom about going up to Tyler's Dads house with him.
I'm betting she's going to say no because things around here with her have been a little skeptical.
Besides that I'm just trying to get my shit together so I can finish buying Christmas presents.
& I really need to lose weight. It's getting really bad.
So until the next update; Happy Holidays.
Fri, Nov. 2nd, 2007, 01:08 am
Halloween!
Lately everything has been alright.
Yesterday was Halloween and I was just extremely glad to have spent it at Aunt Jeannies.
I missed going over there a lot.
I look up to her a lot and I want her in my life.
Barb told me something a while back that really stuck in my head.
Therefore, I want to be there for he all the time, she means a lot to me.
Things have been good with Tyler. He also told me some things lately that had me shocked.
But I'm over it now and it's all good.
We have been on the edge lately, but we are working it out.
We always get through so I'm not worried.
Hope the rest of this week runs smooth.
Isn't it weird how when you try to think of everything you've ever done with your boyfriend like the sweet and cute moments that when your living it your all like, "I'm gonna remember this forever." but when you try to think of them you can't?
I think I have Alzheimers (however you spell it lol)
Anyway, that's it for now. I'm bored.
Thu, Oct. 18th, 2007, 04:25 pm
Worries
So Tyler messed up his foot yesterday and he's in the hospital getting x-rays done.
I think I'm a bit selfish for expecting too much from him and hoping for a little more then I love you.
I don't know.
At least I have one man in my life who is always happy to see me lol.
I love Bane he is so amazing.
Home schooling is going alright. I haven't done anything and perhaps I should.
I really miss Centennial though. Well kind of.
Not so much the people just some of the teachers.
On a happier note, me and my mom are kind of sort of getting along.
Let's see how long it lasts.
I wish I could fast forward into time.
Mon, Oct. 8th, 2007, 10:30 pm
Decisions
Yesterday was really scary with the whole 'seizure' thing and all.
I hate hospitals and I HATE needles.
Today was lovely though, kind of, besides the headaches.
Well at least it was at night when Tyler took me out by the lake to lay out and look at the stars.
It's little moments like that, that I know I can pull through, no matter what.
Also, I'm home schooled now until my senior year.
I actually like it. I'm so sick of people and school and I do so much better on my own.
I'm kinda working on becoming a better person.
At least I want to.
I need a job bad too. Hope I get one.
<3
Mon, Oct. 1st, 2007, 09:10 am
School
Things have been so much different lately. I went to Aunt Jeannies house this weekend. I didn't really do much there but I'm glad I went because I missed her and Alexis a lot. I also got to see Aunt Summer and Cassidy which was good too.
I've been coming to school pretty much everyday, with a few exceptions of course.
It's not that bad I guess.
Yesterday I was thinking hard and I wondered if me and Ty's relationship might be unhealthy.
We are always with each other and honestly, if I were to lose him, I would have nothing.
But he told me not to worry so that's what I'm aiming for. I don't want to screw up with him, he's the best thing I've ever had.
I don't really know who are my friends anymore.
It honestly seems like everyone is going their own way. I hate giving my heart and soul to someone and then they just end up leaving me. It really isn't fair but I suppose life isn't fair.
My mom and I aren't doing too bad but we're not too good. It all depends on how each day goes.
I'm working really hard in school and on FLVS.
I need to get away from this place, I need something new.
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